Feisty LOL

Well before LOL became an internet acronym for 'laugh out loud' it stood for 'little old lady',which is how I am using it today,and no I am not the LOL in question. It is my habit to do my weekly grocery shopping on Sunday mornings,I hate shopping in the first place and I find early on Sunday to be less populated maybe because people are attending church which is why I have come to think of it as Heathen Shopping (thanks to Darlene for sharing that). As I was race walking my way through the store chore a little old lady gave me the stink eye and turned to a man pushing a shopping cart several feet behind her and said,"Harold did you see that? That woman nearly ran me down!" I turned and looked around thinking it must be someone else because I hadn't been within 10 feet of her,but nope it was me she was referring to. It was all I could do to choke down the laughter until I was out of the immediate area. In all fairness she looked to be around 90 so maybe her eyes weren't what they used to be,but she certainly took me by surprise!

Criminal Contest

Some of you regular readers may have noticed that about once a month I post a dumb criminal story,I was thinking if anyone is interested we could vote at the end of the year for your favorite dumb criminal. If anyone is interested let me know. Now let me present yet another dumb criminal.
In Northern Ireland a 20 year old man was arrested for attempting to rob a supermarket. He entered the store and then put a white plastic garbage  bag over his head and took his place in line. Okay,it is pretty easy to spot his obvious mistakes so far,but believe it or not it gets worse...one of the cashiers recognized him as he was a regular customer and shouted at him by name to "Get out!" When his day in court came around he claimed it was just a prank,however he has 71 previous convictions so that seems unlikely. He was sentenced to 14 months in jail, 26 months parole and a restraining order to keep him away from the store for 5 years. For some reason I feel like I might run across another story about him in the future!

The Other Day...

Or it could have been a week or a month ago for that matter,time and memory are  slippery entities once you pass 50,at any rate I read,heard or saw something about a magazine called "Modern Drunkard" and made a mental note to see if it actually existed,to my surprise it does! I read several of the articles on their web page and found them quite entertaining,they have a monthly article dedicated to the "Drunk of the Month" along with "You Know You're a Drunk When" and also "86 Rules for Boozing" and did I mention comics? I selected a few examples of "You Know You're a Drunk When" for you to judge for yourself:When booze does its taxes it lists you as a dependent. Bars call the bar you’re drinking in, wondering when you’re coming home. Tequila not only has your number, you’re on top of its speed dial. It takes only one person to convince you to go to party but at least four strong men to get you to leave. You open a friend’s refrigerator and are bewildered to find food where the beer should be. 

Happy Turkey Day!

No Thanksgiving Dinner

Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.

No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what was the matter.

As I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”

He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.

“You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen
Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”
But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:
"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"

Travel Tricks

Sorry,I don't really have any travel advice for you other than if you stay home you won't have to deal with the crowds,delays and all the rest of the fun and frivolity that awaits the holiday traveler. They spent a good portion of the News at Noon today talking about what a busy travel weekend it was going to be and they interviewed a man who was going to travel by rail,he stated that he hated air travel then added that he had traveled by rail extensively in Europe...am I the only one that was unaware of rail service to Europe from the US??
The following are a few thoughts on air travel: Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff? In airplanes,why is there no window in the toilet? Who on earth is going to see in? Airline hostesses show you how to use a seat belt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. (seriously,it does seem like a useless exercise) They have luggage store in airports. Who forgets their suitcase? Have you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts going,"Thank God,a suitcase store!"?

Pampered Pooch

Everyone who has ever loved a pet knows how they can insinuate themselves into your lives and become part of the family,with that thought in mind maybe that love can hamper a person's judgement. I am talking about a Norwegian family who decided to vacation in Thailand and the trouble they went to so their beloved bulldog,Igor would feel at home. The family recreated their living room at the kennel,painted the walls the same color,hung the same wall decorations,moved the sofa in,and of course Igor's bed. I have no idea  the cost that was involved in the effort to make Igor feel at home,but I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't have been both cheaper and a whole lot easier to have just hired a pet sitter...perhaps a case of more money that sense? As it turned out Igor made a friend at the kennel and got along fine. Most dogs don't pine for their families,they enjoy the excitement and company of other dogs and who knows what they might be discussing over their days in the kennel? Possibly how rough they have it at home!

Talking Turkey

Since Americans consume about 46 million turkeys on Thanksgiving I thought it would be fun to post a few turkey facts before everyone gets stuffed. The turkey we eat doesn't look like the typical depiction of a Thanksgiving turkey,they are white feathered and have been bred to have enormous breasts since that is a selling point to most consumers. Factory farmed turkeys grow so quickly that if a 7 lb. human baby grew at the same rate the infant would weigh 1,500 lbs at 18 weeks. As a result of the rapid growth they have leg problems (the turkeys,not the infants) and are unable to fly like their wild counterparts. Oddly enough November is not National Turkey Day month,June holds that honor. This last one is good for a laugh...female turkeys prefer males with a longer snood (the red skin that hangs from the top of the beak) as it is an indicator of good health!

Thank Willa for This One!

Ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a  circle around the fresh grave and in penguin language sing: > > > > > Freeze a jolly good fellow! Freeze a jolly good fellow!

She Has a Point

With Thanksgiving nearly upon us and the immigration controversy raging I thought today's topic would be appropriate. It is basically just a fun fact,but Cher does have a valid point. Cher tweeted last year around Thanksgiving time that she doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving. She feels the holiday glorifies a great crime,that the day celebrates stealing land from Native Americans who had no concept of land ownership,and purposely giving them smallpox in the guise of blankets given as gifts. Cher is part Cherokee and her beliefs aside,the Native Americans land was stolen and they were infected with smallpox. Perhaps when you give thanks this year it would be a good time to reflect on the fact that what you are thankful for came at a great expense.

Intended Uses

Since today is the anniversary of Edison announcing the invention of the phonograph I thought it would be a good day to reveal some of the uses he imagined for his invention. Edison was working on improvements to the telegraph and telephone when he figured out a way to record sound. The first words he recorded were "Mary had a little lamb",he was amazed when the machine played his words back. His suggested uses for the phonograph were: letter writing/dictation,books for the blind,a family recording,music boxes,toys,clocks that spoke the time and a connection with the telephone so communications could be recorded. It is surprising how many of his projections became reality.

Score 1 for Lifelike!

Barbie made her debut in 1959 and was an instant hit but did her unrealistic proportions cause generations of young girls to be dissatisfied with their realistic bodies? Barbie can't shoulder all the blame but she may have been a contributing factor. Fast forward to 2014 when 25 year old inventor Nickolay Lamm hoped to raise enough money to market Lammily, a doll with the exact proportions of an average 19 year old woman,no huge breasts,tiny waist or feet shaped like high heel shoes. Not only did he raise the money needed he surpassed the amount and the doll is now on sale. The reality doesn't stop with a life like figure,included with Lammily is a sticker pack featuring glasses,bruises,acne and other assorted real life issues. Lamm believes that all our bodies are different and instead of striving for an idealized standard,he wants to promote the beauty of reality. His plans for the future include dolls of different ethnicities  and different healthy body shapes.

Spy Wear

No,I didn't mean spyware but this is equally creepy. Voyeur shoes (in Japanese they are called "tosatsu shoes) are shoes with built-in remote control cameras hidden in the mesh that are used to take up-skirt photos just about any where a woman might be found. Police arrested the 26 year old shoe supplier for aiding voyeurism,fined him and others $4,500,confiscated his inventory and a list of 1,500 customers and their addresses. Between 2012 to 2014 over 2,500 pairs were sold for around $550,000. Seems like a childish pursuit for adult Japanese men,but they must not be entirely stable adults. Meanwhile back in the states (Texas,not to name names) a Court of Criminal Appeals struck down a state penal code banning photos or videos up women's skirts saying it violated the First Amendment...Huh?

That's Nothing!

You hear about people swimming the English Channel (distance 23.69 miles,though with the pull of the tides the distance varies between 30-40 miles) and other ocean swims,but why is the Guinness World Record swim of the Mississippi never mentioned? The distance is considerably longer and doesn't lack for hazards between gators,snakes,floating debris and pollution. The first person to swim the Mississippi was Fred P. Newton,he started the 1,826 mile swim July 6, 1930 and completed it in New Orleans in December of 1930. Since then the swim has been completed by two other people and oddly enough I never heard about their accomplishments either. Maybe it is because they weren't continuous swims that they seem to have been overlooked?

Wine Hazard

The title of today's post kind of sounds like something you would try to avoid on a golf course,but it actually occurred in an Atlantic City,NJ casino. A man and his business associates were ordering dinner and he asked the waitress if she could suggest a bottle of wine to go with dinner,she pointed to a bottle on the menu (the man didn't have his glasses,and they say women are vain?),he asked her how much and she said thirty-seven fifty,he said that would be fine...until the four figure bill came! The waitress had meant $3,750 not $37.50 as the man had assumed. After disputing the charges the restaurant eventually lowered the wine's price to $2,200. I think he would have been better off playing the slot machines! In case anyone is wondering the bottle of wine was Screaming Eagle,Oakville,2011.

Curious Hobby

I'm not sure what to think about real life superheroes,it seems odd for an adult to want to dress up in a costume and fight crime. I played superheroes with my nephew when I was a kid but the only costumes,other than baby blankets pinned to our shirts, were entirely in our imaginations. Fast forward to later life and find out there are over 300 registered superheroes in the U.S alone,and more in other countries. I am assuming they need to register their alter ego name and uniform to avoid legal problems? They come from all walks of life and their missions are mostly patrolling the streets,stopping crimes and doing community outreach in homemade costumes. As long as they aren't making matters worse or getting themselves killed I don't have a problem with them.

Cone Head

There is a long standing (and fun in my opinion) tradition in Glasgow,Scotland of placing a traffic cone on the head of the statue of the Duke of Wellington. Around a year ago city council decided they would raise the plinth 34 inches to deter the practice at the cost of about $101,852,their reasoning being that it was costing about $15,670 a year to remove the cone crowns. The council was forced to abandon the plan after a massive social media campaign called "Save Wellington's Cone". A couple of things occur to me...why bother to remove the cones (they are a tourist attraction) and if they were going to go to the trouble and expense of raising the statue would 34 inches be a deterrent or a hazard? The moral of the story...sometimes you can fight city hall and win!

Sweet Dreams

Those of you who know me know that I have extremely vivid dreams. Today's post contains a few interesting facts about dreams,including the one I am most often asked,"What makes you dream that weird stuff?" The main answer is I apparently wake up directly from REM sleep which is where most dreams occur,rather than going gradually back up through the stages of sleep. Which also explains why some people don't recall their dreams at all even though they still have them. For those of you who have questioned my sanity after hearing my dreams,people who suffer from personality disorders lack dream activity! I am home free!!
Bo is home from the vet's he is not 100% by any means by his fever is down and with any luck he is on the mend.

No Appointment Necessary

No post for today as I spent a couple of hours at the veterinarian's office with Bo. He has been listless and not eating well the last couple of days and I just figured out this morning that he was also vomiting. He will be spending the night there as his temperature was 104 (normal cat temperature is 99.5-102.5). They are not sure what is wrong with him but are going to give him fluids and antibiotics and may x-ray him to see if he has ingested something weird as his stomach was sensitive. Hope for the best,I will update you tomorrow. 

Not So Keen

In mid-October of this year at the Keene,NH 24th annual Pumpkin Festival things got out of control. Students of the local college and visitors from other colleges nearby got their party on and ruined the event with their destructive behavior. They pulled down traffic signs,started bonfires in the streets,threw beer and liquor bottles and attempted to over turn a car. In an effort to control the situation the police responded with riot gear,tear gas and multiple arrests. It is a shame that they got out of control as the festival set a world record last year with 30,581 lit jack-o'-lanterns,and surely people will not be willing to attend future festivals if it means surviving a yearly riot.

The Price of Pee

In Ireland using the bathroom costs about 5 cents worth of water per flush or to calculate an approximate lifetime charge,around $11,000. The reason this interests me is that I have felt overcharged for my water/sewage bill for a long time,they have a flat rate that every household pays regardless of the amount of usage,yet they encourage people to save water...is it just me or is that a contradiction? The plan the Irish have kicked around is using the outdoors whenever possible and when not possible bringing back the chamber pot. I am familiar with that drill as our old farm house didn't have inside plumbing until I was around nine,so at night it was the chamber pot and in the day the outhouse,unfortunately neither of these methods would work for me as I would still be stuck with the same rate,but for some reason it makes me feel better about it!

This is the type we had,just a basic design and no lid that I recall.

Oops!

I am ashamed to admit that I hadn't ever noticed that Veterans Day wasn't a Monday holiday...in my defense we didn't get Monday holidays before I retired,in fact the only holidays we had off were the Big 5. In case there is anyone else out there that doesn't know how Veterans Day works,this is your lucky day. The federal holiday coincides with the time and date of an armistice between Germany and the Allied nations that ended WWI. The ceasefire went into effect in the 11th hour of November 11,1918. If Veterans Day falls on a Saturday the holiday is observed on Friday. When November 11th is a Sunday it is observed the following Monday. I would now like to thank all you Veterans and apologize for my ignorance.

Pennywise?

Though they haven't yet ripped limbs off their victims like the clown in Stephen King's "It" there have been a number of assaults by people dressed as evil clowns in several towns in France. Some of the clowns are armed with pistols,knives,baseball bats and in one case an iron bar. Teenagers have been arrested for several of the assaults. In some of the towns experiencing the violence they have imposed bans on anyone dressing as a clown. I am not subject to coulrophobia (fear of clowns) but there is something slightly creepy about them and after this outbreak of clown violence there is most certainly justification for coulrophobia.

Truth in Advertising

A person seldom reads about a brilliant criminal unless they are fictitious or a politician,but a genius I.Q. doesn't usually fit the m.o. The criminal for today's post was obviously not rocket scientist material. A 37 yer old Kentucky woman was arrested on drug charges while wearing an "I love crystal meth" t-shirt,she had 3.37 grams of meth and a digital scale in her possession. I suppose if she lives long enough she can laugh about it and show the grand-kids their grandma's ironic mug shot...there's a thought to send a shiver down your spine. Below the picture of the subject of today's post are some assorted mug shots of meth users,their vacant eyes tell the story.